I honestly don't know how long I'll get over this. I do so much to forget about it, yet she seems to intrude my thoughts at any given time. I try meeting new people, going out with friends, but it doesn't seem to cut it. I actually tried communicating to her via email. No response. I'm always wondering what she's up to. But why should I care, right? Afterall, she put me through a ton of shit over the last year and a half.  I just don't know, I'm latched on, just refusing to let her go, unless someone crosses my path and has genuine feelings towards me. I'm always angry, upset with everything, yet I know some people don't see me that way. If people push me to a certain limit, I will bring out the worst side of me. 

I probably said this in a previous blog, but her reaction to this whole thing over a year ago is what caused me to be this way. Initially I was upset, that's normal. But I tried to be the nicest person I could be towards her, I tried to talk to her normal, like as if nothing happened. But she just pushed me away, ignored me like I didn't exist, talked to other people about it behind my back. How did I know she was talking behind my back? I was being told by my other classmates and that was just poison. I couldn't escape her since we had the same class everyday. It drained me so much. I even "skipped" some classes last year just because of her. I couldn't stand her, she was taking the life out of me. I remember when I was sitting down in class and my instructor asked me if everything is ok, I just told her that work was draining me (though it was true also, I didn't say the real reason). 

I had another breakdown, this time my mom finally knew the whole story.  I was so upset one day that I just couldn't do anything, I was angry, my mom kept asking me stupid questions to the point where I was really annoyed. I didn't talk, then my mom kept yelling at me "WHAT'S WRONG??" over and over again. I started to sob, she continued to yell, then the waterworks came. I told her everything, then looked at me like I'm some kind of freak. Not the reaction I was looking for, then I just snapped and yelled "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE PUT ME THROUGH!" I told her about the therapy, my classmates and how some of them avoid me and the changing of the clinicals, not going to the ceremonies, and how everything was centered around her. My mom changed her tone and just hugged me really hard and told me "I never knew, why didn't you tell me?" I told her that she wouldn't listen and just shrugged me off.  She then told me "I'm so sorry anak (child in tagalog)"

From that day on, my mom would ask how am I doing, call me and ask how am I feeling, etc. I didn't mean to disrespect her by yelling at her, I just had my problems that needed to be addressed.  

But recently, I been having flashbacks that's been causing me to shudder and random times. I hate it. I'm also gaining weight at a fast rate no matter how much I diet and exercise. I just don't have that genuine feeling of happiness anymore.

I miss those days where I felt safe to be myself around her, I could talk to her about anything and she would always have something to say, but those days are long gone and all are left are just memories. Memories that haunt me everyday. Memories that are constantly playing through my mind as a reminder that I lost something that was supposed to be great, but I had to fuck it up for myself. 

But I honestly think God had set a path for me. Had I not stopped work for three months at the nursing home during school, I probably wouldn't be working at the office. I probably would not have graduated and continued to be a "pill pusher" busting my balls as an LPN. I probably would not have met such new and great friends/co-workers who welcomed me and embraced the things I do.  When I got the job at the office, God had to be watching me, he knew I was struggling and gave me the opportunity to start fresh. I am very thankful for that. But for now, I have to let time heal all wounds. 

It's another sleepless night before clinical day as I read through my Facebook news feed. I came across this post from one of my former classmates.  It's from a blog/website called straightlesbian.com. Despite the name (not that there's anything wrong with lesbians). The blog gave me some hope and it put things in perspective in a very vulgar way I guess.  

Credit goes to Brittany Ashley:

It starts out all clear and clean. Then at some point (usually after KFC snack bowls) it gets contaminated. By shit. Your toilet is filled with shit. Your life is filled with shit. It’s only a matter of time before it piles up so much that it’ll never go away. Eventually it will clog and you’ll have to run to Walgreens and stand in line with a plunger in hand. Only a plunger. The whole line, and the Walgreens employee know exactly what you’ve done. And this could have all been avoided if you just flushed all that shit down the toilet before it became a problem and built up. You have to flush it down, or else you’ll forever be suffocated by shit.

…..

What I’m getting at is this: We’ve all had shitty people in our lives at some point. If you haven’t, it’s probably because you’re so shitty that you didn’t realize you were making someone else’s life awful. Or you just accepted those people’s inherit awfulness and figured you’d cut them out when they REALLY did something awful to you, like fucked your ex-girlfriend, stole your weed, or took the batteries out of your vibrator to put in their Wii remote and didn’t return them. Kind of like when you’re dating someone that you know is awful for you but you just tell yourself that you’ll keep dealing with their bullshit until they do something really unforgivable. Like murder your family. Yes, that’s when you’ll pull the plug, when they stab your brother with an ice pick and throw a plastic bag over your calico cat’s head, that’s when it’s over. So you just carry around this burden of feeling like shit about yourself and about this other person until they do something big enough for you to actually take action, because you wouldn’t be able to feel justified in breaking up with them for just, you know, blowing the owner of a douchey Wrigleyville bar while you two were “figuring things out”, it has to be bigger than that. Bigger than felatio.

We’ve all been fooled once before by someone who came along in a horse-drawn Prius who seemed like the Garth to our Wayne. Everything they say and do is so cool to you. They non-ironically listen to NPR. They smoke American Spirits. They dated the guy from New Radicals (refer to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7-CKirWZE&ob=av2e). They majored in Anthropology while working at Anthropologie, just for the wordplay. You envy how much style they have, how they can put a belt on practically anything and it looks so chic. You two have so much fun. They know all the rap lyrics that everyone else just hums their way through. You think they’re so fucking cool. Then you realize a few weeks, months, years later, that they never really cared about you, that you were just always down for 25cent wings when no one else was, or they took advantage of the fact that you love to buy copious amounts of O-Bombs when out together. You laugh/cry at the fact that at some point, you thought they were too good for you, when the truth is, you were too good for them, and that they just did their best impression of being a good friend but the facade wore off.

So what happens when we realize that some people in our life are horrible fits for us? We get angry. We start to lash out at work on customers that ask for lemons in their water (JUST FUCKING DRINK THE WATER). We get angry at our friends that don’t actually suck but we’re so paranoid that everyone around us is going to suck that we get angry at them just expecting them to blow. We get skeptical about everyone around us. Like life and love and friendships are just one big test to see how much you can be pushed to your limits without throwing yourself off the top of your apartment building or swallowing all the contents of that entire CostCo sized bottle of Ibuprofen that you keep in your medicine cabinet for hangover Thursdays. So skeptical then when you meet someone who actually is wonderful and genuinely normal that you constantly feel like someone is playing a joke on you and that it can’t be real. So you push yourself away. Stay away from me good person, I don’t believe you’re real!

When you’re so used to being surrounded by shit, you forget how good that you, yourself, are. The more that you doubt your self-worth, the more you’ll stop believing in yourself each day. And when you give up on the idea that you deserve greatness and deserve to be treated like you matter, that’s the day that your life dies and you might as well just move to one of those Southern states where you have no rights and people frown upon birth control, the gays, liberty and happiness.

At a point you have to stop letting people treat you like shit and like you’re less of the person that you know you are. At some point you have to let go of people that make you feel unsettled and constantly disappoint you. Because you know that when you look at some of your friends who keep going back to the same awful people in your life, you label them as pathetic, but how long until you realize that you’re being just as pathetic? How much does it take for you to realize that you’re now being pathetic by allowing people who are toxic to stay in your life and in your phone and as your Facebook friend/Twitter follower/LinkedIn contact/GChat address book? ANSWER ME, TECHNOLOGY ANGELS!

Unfortunately, there will be a time when you have to look at some of the people in your life and say “I tried my best” and just let them go. Be brave enough to break your own heart, you little lesbian. You want people who are always in your corner, not someone standing outside the ring who wears a fanny pack full of bullshit excuses. So for yourself, raise the bar. Find people that will join you up there. Hey, come join me up here in my new standards!

The fact of the matter is, there will always be people who won’t value your feelings. You just have to sift through all those shitty fuckers to get to the good ones that will.

Well said Brittany, well said.