Her actions triggered this angry text and the downward emotional spiral I headed into. At the time, I just had enough and couldn't take it and just lashed out. I could care less if I sounded crazy. I just had enough.
I honestly don't know how long I'll get over this. I do so much to forget about it, yet she seems to intrude my thoughts at any given time. I try meeting new people, going out with friends, but it doesn't seem to cut it. I actually tried communicating to her via email. No response. I'm always wondering what she's up to. But why should I care, right? Afterall, she put me through a ton of shit over the last year and a half. I just don't know, I'm latched on, just refusing to let her go, unless someone crosses my path and has genuine feelings towards me. I'm always angry, upset with everything, yet I know some people don't see me that way. If people push me to a certain limit, I will bring out the worst side of me.
I probably said this in a previous blog, but her reaction to this whole thing over a year ago is what caused me to be this way. Initially I was upset, that's normal. But I tried to be the nicest person I could be towards her, I tried to talk to her normal, like as if nothing happened. But she just pushed me away, ignored me like I didn't exist, talked to other people about it behind my back. How did I know she was talking behind my back? I was being told by my other classmates and that was just poison. I couldn't escape her since we had the same class everyday. It drained me so much. I even "skipped" some classes last year just because of her. I couldn't stand her, she was taking the life out of me. I remember when I was sitting down in class and my instructor asked me if everything is ok, I just told her that work was draining me (though it was true also, I didn't say the real reason).
I had another breakdown, this time my mom finally knew the whole story. I was so upset one day that I just couldn't do anything, I was angry, my mom kept asking me stupid questions to the point where I was really annoyed. I didn't talk, then my mom kept yelling at me "WHAT'S WRONG??" over and over again. I started to sob, she continued to yell, then the waterworks came. I told her everything, then looked at me like I'm some kind of freak. Not the reaction I was looking for, then I just snapped and yelled "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE PUT ME THROUGH!" I told her about the therapy, my classmates and how some of them avoid me and the changing of the clinicals, not going to the ceremonies, and how everything was centered around her. My mom changed her tone and just hugged me really hard and told me "I never knew, why didn't you tell me?" I told her that she wouldn't listen and just shrugged me off. She then told me "I'm so sorry anak (child in tagalog)"
From that day on, my mom would ask how am I doing, call me and ask how am I feeling, etc. I didn't mean to disrespect her by yelling at her, I just had my problems that needed to be addressed.
But recently, I been having flashbacks that's been causing me to shudder and random times. I hate it. I'm also gaining weight at a fast rate no matter how much I diet and exercise. I just don't have that genuine feeling of happiness anymore.
I miss those days where I felt safe to be myself around her, I could talk to her about anything and she would always have something to say, but those days are long gone and all are left are just memories. Memories that haunt me everyday. Memories that are constantly playing through my mind as a reminder that I lost something that was supposed to be great, but I had to fuck it up for myself.
But I honestly think God had set a path for me. Had I not stopped work for three months at the nursing home during school, I probably wouldn't be working at the office. I probably would not have graduated and continued to be a "pill pusher" busting my balls as an LPN. I probably would not have met such new and great friends/co-workers who welcomed me and embraced the things I do. When I got the job at the office, God had to be watching me, he knew I was struggling and gave me the opportunity to start fresh. I am very thankful for that. But for now, I have to let time heal all wounds.
Well it's been a while since I've blogged and thought I should bring this up to date. I finally graduated nursing school and all I have to do is just take my board exam. It was a really rough two years and and I gotta say it has taken a toll on me. With nearly failing a class back in April, issues with that one person, stopping work for three months I'm too exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. I gained about 30 lbs in the past 6-8 months and I'm attempting to lose those unwanted lbs. During the month of May, I went job searching and got a job at a MD office doing drug testing, my title is a lab technician. Then in late June I went back to the nursing home only as a treatment nurse doing dressing changes for all the floors. So I have two jobs plus studying in my free time. Shits real.
A lot of people have been asking me where I want to work. Ideally, I want to stay at an office or work at an outpatient clinic, M-F w/ mornings and no weekends. I've assessed myself and figured I can't work in areas of high stress anymore since it seriously takes a toll on me. I want it easy and I'll get it easy, I just have to look hard. The hospital and ER is out of the question for me. And as for getting my BSN, forget it. By then I'll be doing some other shit not related to nursing.
With that, I am not so well emotionally. Back to April, when everything was going downhill, I ended up going to therapy for three weeks because of the intensity of school, work, and "her" I became withdrawn and fell into somewhat of a depression. I was always mad especially at her. I hated her and I resented her for what she has done to me. I could not take it anymore. I was ready to snap at anyone.I knew and felt that some of my classmates in that rotation where somewhat concerned about me. But she just had to piss me off that one night when clinical was dismissed.
I snapped. Sent an angry text to her at 3am cause I couldn't sleep for what she did, It just made me feel like I'm a creep and lowered my self-worth. The next day I was given a note in class to meet with the nursing program director. I had the sinking feeling and I knew what it was about. We had a long talk, which I eventually broke down to tears and voiced my anger and frustration with everything. It was the first time I've ever broke down in tears to anyone but my mother. Our conversation ended with me calling the school therapist who referred me to another therapist that I could visit.
For three weeks I saw the therapist. For three painful weeks. I had to explain and re-live what happened. Talk about what I could do. He even asked me to view it from her perspective. I told him it was difficult to do so since I was clouded with anger. The moment when I explained to my therapist that she no longer talks to me and always partners up with another male classmate, I recall every good moment being with her flashing through my mind, then it brought a surge of tears, I couldn't breathe for a bit. It was one of those hard cries you get when you really get hurt emotionally, haven't had those since I was a kid.. My three weeks were up and he suggested I continue therapy with another person. I did not continue.
I avoided her at all costs, changed my class and clinical rotation and didn't attend any ceremonies/gatherings where I knew she would be there. Then graduation came. It was the only ceremony I attended where I saw her. Seeing her brought a lot of anxiety. When we were seated she was behind me, I was quiet for a while didn't pay attention to anyone. But hearing her voice made me cringe. I hated her. I would say to myself, she'll break when she starts working... Mean thoughts I had. The procession began. When the ceremony finished, I was waiting for my family towards the entrance, I saw her. We made eye contact. Then looked away. I wanted to flick her off, but decided not to. I am better than that. My family met up with me they wanted to take pictures. I only wanted one picture. I didn't want to stay, I just wanted to get the fuck out. I was done.
A month and a half after graduation, I fell into another depression. I continued to gain weight, sad and angry most of the time. All I do is work and study. I try to do recreational activities, but they aren't as fun anymore. I'm not happy with myself. She ruined a part of me that will take long time to fix.There's a void to be filled. I lost some friends in this "journey" as my former instructor would say.
I know I got problems. We all do. But I guess this is just part of the many difficulties I'll encounter and I have to remember that without occasional struggles in life, I’m not living life correctly.
"victory is sweetest when you've known defeat." -Malcolm S. Forbes
It's another sleepless night before clinical day as I read through my Facebook news feed. I came across this post from one of my former classmates. It's from a blog/website called straightlesbian.com. Despite the name (not that there's anything wrong with lesbians). The blog gave me some hope and it put things in perspective in a very vulgar way I guess.
Credit goes to Brittany Ashley:
It starts out all clear and clean. Then at some point (usually after KFC snack bowls) it gets contaminated. By shit. Your toilet is filled with shit. Your life is filled with shit. It’s only a matter of time before it piles up so much that it’ll never go away. Eventually it will clog and you’ll have to run to Walgreens and stand in line with a plunger in hand. Only a plunger. The whole line, and the Walgreens employee know exactly what you’ve done. And this could have all been avoided if you just flushed all that shit down the toilet before it became a problem and built up. You have to flush it down, or else you’ll forever be suffocated by shit.
What I’m getting at is this: We’ve all had shitty people in our lives at some point. If you haven’t, it’s probably because you’re so shitty that you didn’t realize you were making someone else’s life awful. Or you just accepted those people’s inherit awfulness and figured you’d cut them out when they REALLY did something awful to you, like fucked your ex-girlfriend, stole your weed, or took the batteries out of your vibrator to put in their Wii remote and didn’t return them. Kind of like when you’re dating someone that you know is awful for you but you just tell yourself that you’ll keep dealing with their bullshit until they do something really unforgivable. Like murder your family. Yes, that’s when you’ll pull the plug, when they stab your brother with an ice pick and throw a plastic bag over your calico cat’s head, that’s when it’s over. So you just carry around this burden of feeling like shit about yourself and about this other person until they do something big enough for you to actually take action, because you wouldn’t be able to feel justified in breaking up with them for just, you know, blowing the owner of a douchey Wrigleyville bar while you two were “figuring things out”, it has to be bigger than that. Bigger than felatio.
We’ve all been fooled once before by someone who came along in a horse-drawn Prius who seemed like the Garth to our Wayne. Everything they say and do is so cool to you. They non-ironically listen to NPR. They smoke American Spirits. They dated the guy from New Radicals (refer to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7-CKirWZE&ob=av2e). They majored in Anthropology while working at Anthropologie, just for the wordplay. You envy how much style they have, how they can put a belt on practically anything and it looks so chic. You two have so much fun. They know all the rap lyrics that everyone else just hums their way through. You think they’re so fucking cool. Then you realize a few weeks, months, years later, that they never really cared about you, that you were just always down for 25cent wings when no one else was, or they took advantage of the fact that you love to buy copious amounts of O-Bombs when out together. You laugh/cry at the fact that at some point, you thought they were too good for you, when the truth is, you were too good for them, and that they just did their best impression of being a good friend but the facade wore off.
So what happens when we realize that some people in our life are horrible fits for us? We get angry. We start to lash out at work on customers that ask for lemons in their water (JUST FUCKING DRINK THE WATER). We get angry at our friends that don’t actually suck but we’re so paranoid that everyone around us is going to suck that we get angry at them just expecting them to blow. We get skeptical about everyone around us. Like life and love and friendships are just one big test to see how much you can be pushed to your limits without throwing yourself off the top of your apartment building or swallowing all the contents of that entire CostCo sized bottle of Ibuprofen that you keep in your medicine cabinet for hangover Thursdays. So skeptical then when you meet someone who actually is wonderful and genuinely normal that you constantly feel like someone is playing a joke on you and that it can’t be real. So you push yourself away. Stay away from me good person, I don’t believe you’re real!
When you’re so used to being surrounded by shit, you forget how good that you, yourself, are. The more that you doubt your self-worth, the more you’ll stop believing in yourself each day. And when you give up on the idea that you deserve greatness and deserve to be treated like you matter, that’s the day that your life dies and you might as well just move to one of those Southern states where you have no rights and people frown upon birth control, the gays, liberty and happiness.
At a point you have to stop letting people treat you like shit and like you’re less of the person that you know you are. At some point you have to let go of people that make you feel unsettled and constantly disappoint you. Because you know that when you look at some of your friends who keep going back to the same awful people in your life, you label them as pathetic, but how long until you realize that you’re being just as pathetic? How much does it take for you to realize that you’re now being pathetic by allowing people who are toxic to stay in your life and in your phone and as your Facebook friend/Twitter follower/LinkedIn contact/GChat address book? ANSWER ME, TECHNOLOGY ANGELS!
Unfortunately, there will be a time when you have to look at some of the people in your life and say “I tried my best” and just let them go. Be brave enough to break your own heart, you little lesbian. You want people who are always in your corner, not someone standing outside the ring who wears a fanny pack full of bullshit excuses. So for yourself, raise the bar. Find people that will join you up there. Hey, come join me up here in my new standards!
The fact of the matter is, there will always be people who won’t value your feelings. You just have to sift through all those shitty fuckers to get to the good ones that will.
It's way too hard to remain friends with someone that you've confessed your feelings to. I've struggled these past several months to get over this but I can't seem to put this behind me. Even though we have talked to put this behind us, I seem to relapse and just get so absorbed into this, bringing a side of me that is just not me. She seems to be fine with this while I dwell in embarrassment and sadness.
For whatever reason she chose to delete me off Facebook and block me. That just made me pretty upset. Sure you're all thinking "dude it's just Facebook, get over it" but you have no idea how this has affected me mentally. I feel like such a creep, I mean, unfriending me- okay but blocking me- wtf? What have I done to be blocked? I've never said anything to her that would result in me being blocked?
This has gotten to a point where I had to inform my instructor that I needed to be in a different section for our next eight weeks in school. I was allowed to be in a different section, away from her, but unfortunately, I have to be in the same clinical with her. My instructor did her best to not place me on the same floor as her. But it's still unbearable being around her during pre-conferences and post-conferences. There was an incident where we all had to meet in the lobby of the hospital and I was sitting on a chair, she came by me and just stood next to an empty chair by me, with her facing away from me. As everyone in our group came, I started to get anxious. I could feel my heart race, I started sweating, breathing was rapid, I felt like I was gonna black out, so I stormed out of the lobby and into the washroom where I had to calm down for a bit. I stared at the mirror, my face was red, so I cooled my face down with cold water. I think I was in there for about 10 minutes until I gathered myself, and proceeded to go back to the lobby. As I proceeded to go to the lobby, I saw my instructor heading down there as well. She saw me and immediately asked if I was okay and that I didn't look too good.. I just told her "I'll be okay.."
Unfortunately the days where I was so excited to see her, became days where I am upset to see her.
I keep to myself during our conferences in clinical, I really don't talk to any of my classmates, just my instructor and the nurses I work with.
Since the start of the new section in my new class, I've noticed I'm more relaxed and happy, it's just clinical I have an issue with.
My self-esteem is so low right now and I'm losing confidence in myself ever since this event happened. I was never like this before but I don't know, It's seems like I was more outgoing when I was 18-20, I wasn't afraid to be with a girl. My last gf was when I was 20. But now, I have to think twice before approaching a girl I like.
I'm counting down the days till I graduate and can forget this part of my life had ever happened.